breakups and moving on :)

No new photos this time, my camera's dead and my batteries and charger are packed in only God knows which box. I just went to my old apartment to clean and get the last of my stuff. I found a picture of my ex on the floor. I am not going to rehash any old issues, but I feel pretty certain this person is someone I could still see myself being serious with, only in several years (not at this point in our lives). IF he decides he wants it. Lord knows I am done waiting for months to see what happens next... I never knew that a person could feel the way I do. I feel like I have found someone amazing, yet at 26 even, the time is not right (when I was younger I imagined I would be ready to get married in my early 20's, but that is not the case at all). I have known a few things in my life for certain without really understanding why and this might be the third thing like that. The rest of my life is riddled with indecisiveness ;) BUT, I am not stressing because I feel certain that things were not workable the way life is right now, AND I know I can be happy with more than one person. I don't belive in a single soul mate.

I am thankful in many ways for him deciding to end it. I don't know that I would have been strong enough to do that. It was right to end it, but I am just glad that decision isn't resting on my shoulders. I have adventures I still want to experience. I want to experience them single. (Not just physically alone, but mentally as well). I am not sure really why that is, but maybe it is because you get to know yourself better that way. I am coming closer and closer to thinking I really do want to avoid dating anyone for a year... I want to give myself time to really think about what I want from life and I don't want any outside influences to drown out those ideas/thoughts/feelings that might not otherwise surface. I don't think anyone would want me at this stage in my life anyway. I am kind of like your favorite shirt that you spilled kool-aid on. You can still have a good time wearing the shirt, and you probably had a blast doing whatever you did to spill koolaid all over yourself--but you wouldn't choose that one to wear around for the day. You can clean it up and hang it to dry for awhile, then it is as good as new, for the life of that shirt. In other words, I am not damaged from the ending of this last relationship, I just need (want) a little time to clean out my brain.

And for some reason I always assume right at the breakup that I won't be happy alone, but I am feeling stronger than I ever have in my life. I was thinking I would miss all the stuff I did with my ex and how we did it together. But really I am just excited to make new friends to do that stuff and much more with. I don't feel like my happiness is threatened whatsoever after this, and that is the thing I am truly looking for, freedom. No one should put their life/happiness on hold because they aren't in a happy relationship. Stop thinking in the back of your mind, "I will be happy WHEN..." That is a habit a lot of us get into. I totally do and this breakup put it right in front of me that "when" is actually right now. Think about all of the stuff you want to do in this life. Think about ALL of the stuff you want to do, not just the stuff you know a way to accomplish. Do not wait for any of that to fall into your lap, because the chances are that won't happen. If it is something that seems way to big to ever figure out how to do, just start trying to figure it out. You can always go as far as you can/are willing to go and then decide that it isn't truly what you want. Giddyup!!

My trainer at the gym is a big tool bag for sure, but he gave me a quote that I really like and that is "THE WORLD MEETS NO ONE HALF-WAY. YOU HAVE TO MAKE FOR YOURSELF AND TAKE IT."