:)

My goal in life is to live it to the fullest and have no regrets (like everyone, right?). I think about this day in and day out and always feel like I am falling short somehow of some magnificent, adventurous life that I am supposed to live, still looking for the answer. I literally quit doing some of my structured activities so I have more time available to journal on this. I feel like I am falling short AND I am continuously chasing it and know I will get there. That is a damn good feeling to have. It takes time (not to mention blood, sweat, and tears) to understand what the heck it means to live a life of meaning and adventure. If everyone had the answer to what they could do to start living the life of their dreams... well... then... we'd all be living the life of our dreams. I could just buy my plane ticket to Asia right now and be off. Why don't I? (Hmmm... I went on to start answering that question and realized my answer was true but also a version of an excuse... the power of self-reflection is magnificent).

Well... rereading the above paragraph... I didn't even catch it myself until I thought about it. This is just it. I said "If everyone had the answer to what they could do to start living the life of their dreams." Did anyone catch anything about this phrase that didn't sit well? There is no answer to this question. It is the wrong question. All you have to "do" is just be. The real question is "what can you be to live the life of your dreams." And I don't mean accomplishments. I don't mean "be" a doctor or "be" a mother. That is the "do" creeping in on you again. I mean qualities. Be loving. Be forgiving. Be compassionate. Be tenacious. Be calm (it is a choice people!). You don't need money. You don't need a boyfriend. You don't need IQ. You don't need another job. You don't need a fancier car. You don't have to wait!

I still marvel at this. Have you ever heard of someone rejoicing about turning 30? There is a fucking reason for it!!! Being confused sucks. It causes hurt and pain and you expend a tremendous amount of energy, right? That is how I spent the last 3 years. I still wonder how in the hell I existed on this planet for 28 years with a fair amount of friends and socializing and I have NEVER heard anyone say anything about how difficult your 20's are! I cannot believe it! Now if that is because no one actually said it, or I just wasn't ready to truly hear it, I cannot tell you. The only thing anywhere close to this I heard was: marriages which begin after the mid twenties have a much better chance of lasting. I laugh now to think when I heard that I thought, "Okay. Good to know. I will wait to get married." The whole meat and meaning of the phrase was lost on ears not ready to feel and truly understand the full gravity of the statement. Marriages which start after your twenties have a much better chance at lasting BECAUSE once you are out in the world with all of the habits/behaviors/learnings formed in life to that point and you do everything "right" and realize ya still aren't happy or aren't getting what ya thought ya'd get by putting in the right "ingredients," you have to adjust. Just coming to this realization takes time. And space. And forgiveness. And love. And a boatload of self-awareness.

I had to a) realize I wasn't happy b) go through an extending period of time in confusion and anger (I was putting in a LOT of energy doing the "right" things!!! damnit!) c) somehow remind myself I am still responsible for the whole mess (taking responsibility for myself when I worked my ass off to get where I was and was still somehow miserable in a way was HARD and I really just wanted to give up an awful lot) d) do something about it (and I had no clue for years what to do about it. confusion is an extremely difficult feeling to live with for years). Don't get me wrong. I had friends and wonderful relationships and laughed and stayed in good physical shape this whole time. I looked happy. I thought I was happy. I was completely disjointed and knew this on some subconcious level.

I had a lot of things happen all at once. A lot of difficult and painful things. I worked my ass off at a job and felt I was just doing "okay." This is infuriating to someone who has yet to really fail at something. The love of my life up to that point left me so painfully slowly over a year. I moved to a new city and was trying to make friends when I was completely lost in life. Looking back I could not be more thankful for having it all happen at once. Had it happened bit by bit I might have not realized I was attaching my happiness to things outside of me and was completely unfamiliar with my own values (I knew very well the values of those who socialized me!!). I might not realized I needed a mental overhaul. There was nothing strong enough short of a near death experience that could have gotten my attention and focused it enough to really do something about it--especially when I was determined to focus it elsewhere and to achieve, achieve, achieve (what I thought would lead to happiness). I could have gone on for decades disjointed and kinda (fake) happy. What a waste of my life. That ex boyfriend will never truly know how I am thankful every day for that horribly sad and broken heart. No career fair or mentor could have ever taught me the value in those days crying in the bathroom being so pissed off and lost in my career. In fact there is nothing I am more thankful for. They literally saved my life. It was the only alarm clock loud enough to wake me up from that sleep and let me out of this tiny little box I had been living in. Those experiences forced me to sit squarely in the face of the question: what does it all mean & why am I so unhappy despite all the work I doing? I had my mid-life crisis at 24-27.

I woke up this morning. Yes I have a hangover. The only reason I mention that is because I have never been in such a damn good mood despite a hangover! I have had one of these mental shifts that I like to call "clicks." When something is right, it just clicks. I am pretty damn happy right now. It isn't about my job. It isn't about what people I am lucky to call my friends or my family. It isn't about my money in my bank account. It isn't about the jeans I bought yesterday. None of that. I still get extremely frustrated with my job. I can see my veins in my leg through my skin because I am so pasty white. Sometimes I am an asshole to people and am not proud of myself. All of this, lots more, and only will have more as life goes on, AND I still love myself and can laugh. For me, that is why 28 is awesome.

I had FUN last night. I woke up with mustard on my jeans from the Seattle hotdog I ate last night. I spent it with these amazing new friends that I have and we went out dancing. Nothing magical, we just met for drinks at their house. My friend Dave showed me his new tattoo. His girlfriend Maggie made us quesadillas and margaritas dressed in the craziest pair of black, shiny, buckly, crazy platform tall spike-heeled boots you can imagine. On top of that she had on black shiny, skin tight pants. Because she wanted to. She said it was "shiny pants day." And there you have it folks. Today is whatever kind of a day you want it to be.

lesson: if you aren't happy and feeling fulfilled examine your values (or what you thought they were) and figure out how you might live more truly to them or maybe what values are being violated where you don't realize it. you are the way you are and you cannot change your values (and why would you want to? imitation is suicide!). you can only become familiar with them and live more truly to them. don't blame yourself or excuse anything away. life is short and you deserve to be happy. end of story.