nice day

I am finally in bed and I am whooped! I worked and then I had a riding lesson and then worked out at the gym a little. It is going to be my last riding lesson for several months because I need to start saving a little money incase something happens to me (laid off, car problems, etc). It SUCKS to quit riding but I have been stressing over money and sometimes the right thing isn't the easiest thing (actually it seems like lately that is always the case! :\ ). I had an awesome ride tonight--not on my favorite horse, but an awesome ride. I am finally just about where I was when I stopped a few years ago. Tonight I rode the mare that always tries to bite me when she thinks I am not looking! hahah :) She once bit me on the butt when I was bending over picking out her feet. She loves me :) she just likes to pretend she doesn't. She is so fun to jump cause she will jump anything and higher and wider jumps (oxers) that other horses might stop at so the worry and danger factor is, for the most part, taken out of the equation. She is an incredible bi*** until she gets to jump! I felt like I was on a bronco for the first part of the lesson, not kidding. So now I am wiped and going to bed. Anybody that has a decent horse that needs to be worked a little, give me a call. I will do it gladly for free :)

My Thoughts...

Hi again. I just finished eating dinner and I am waiting for it to digest before I head of to the gym. Nick called today--around 5 p.m. my time/2 a.m. his time. He was drunk from going out somewhere and we had a good conversation, he was being really honest. I could feel myself feeling closer to him. Something that I wanted to avoid because I know he is not a "safe" guy. I am attracted to him like a bear to honey. Something about his way of talking attracts me. I can feel it pulling me in and I stop caring that I am starting to care :( The conversation goes on and I ask him if he deleted something off his wall. He did, he said his ex is trying to stir up trouble. His ex who is a model for Giorgio Armani. Okay folks. If I didn't feel insecure before with Mr. Muscles Cardoza, I DO NOW!! holy crap. :\ But I am trying to not feel insecure and I am DETERMINED to feel good about myself, so I am tempted to force myself to continue. I want to practice being comfortable in my own skin. I know I am farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr below anything close to a model. My first instinct was to exchange my potential new bikini out for a potential new full length moo moo at first when I heard this. I was really tempted to ask him "What the heck do you see in me, then?!" BUT, I stopped myself. That is a bad way to talk to yourself. I know many girls would be guilty of the same thing. All the working out in the world and I would still be laughable compared to Fiona. I think it is good for me to feel a little insecure and then push myself to be myself and to believe I can be loved for who I am. It is okay if I am not half as pretty as his ex, because I have many other good qualities. This whole Nick thing is a complete experiment in how comfortable I can be with myself in the face of a man who offers me nothing in the way of help--no securities, he openly has sex with way more girls than even my imagination can keep up with. He dates girls I will never hope to look like. He is a complete womanizer. I am really trying to force myself to not run straight for the guy who claims he only likes me. Because that would be a lie. It would be unrealistic. And there is no hope in a man like that in a different way there is no hope in a long term relationship with a man like Nick. And I believe I have learned that if I can enjoy MYSELF and be comfortable with myself around someone like Nick, it will be much easier for me to really to relax and enjoy the next guy that is actually boyfriend material. So this is like self-esteem boot camp. He is going to tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am. I know that he may mean it, but in no way am I different than the other girls. He is going to look at me with his gorgeous eyes. I am going to remember that he has looked at 150 other girls that way, and in no way will I derive a sense of worth for myself out of it because that will just be preposterous (like I did when I dated the last guy). And yet I will enjoy him and the time I spend with him because he is a good person. He is caring and open and free spirited more than anyone I have ever known. He is just different than me. I am going to try to learn from him. He really is a very beautiful person. He is childlike in his enthusiasm and love for others. He gives warm compliments openly. He just also really happens to enjoy lots of sex. I am going to try to learn how to let go a little without letting go my control of my respect for myself. I feel like I am way too structured and way too guarded. You can't fence other people out (from hurting you), you can only fence yourself in. So I want to try to learn how to let others in and enjoy myself and them. I want a sense of self worth that I hold tightly for myself without having to lock others out in order to protect it. Hopefully that makes sense to someone because I think a lot of people try to do this. I believe that is the definition of jaded. I do not want to be jaded. I want to be loving and lovable and be young at heart.

initial tendency

Oh man. I kind of feel like a jerk. I don't know why my initial tendency is to overreact like I did. There is nothing wrong with Nick and the way he is. Some people are just a little more free than others with their sexuality. It doesn't mean he is plotting against me or trying to deliberately hurt me. I don't know why I assume that. Nick is a very nice guy and like a lot of guys he enjoys sex. There is nothing wrong with that. Is there anything wrong with the fact he is very flirtatious with a lot of girls? It actually seems genuine--almost like he really things so and so is gorgeous and he knows that she would enjoy it if he told her. He is fliratious in a way that American guys cannot be. Europeans seem a bit more open with their sexuality, am I wrong? I always overreact at first and then level out. I am just that way and don't know why really...

What do I say to this?

Sooooo the other day I logged into facebook and looked at Nick's profile. Incase you can't read it, it says "They dated and still get along great. It's complicated. They hooked up." This girl is my worst nightmare in a guy I am interested in. The above profile picture caught my eye (ofcourse) as someone who recently wrote on Nick's wall... She said something like "Hahaha, you ask how am I still single?! I am waiting for something amazing to come my way." Nick is flirting with some girl and she posted on his wall. Big deal. She looks like a girl that is VERY comfortable with her sexuality. I looked at his profile again the other day and the message was ERASED. I am 150% sure. I just clicked through Nick's friends and there is a new feature on FB that pops up with whatever status was entered on "how do you know so and so." The above image is the status that popped up. My mouth fell open. This is completely out of my league! hahaha I am not pissed because I know better and knew better the whole time (and am somewhat proud of this despite Nick's weak attempts to hide the way he really is). One of the first things I heard Nick say was about almost scoring one night. I know this is how he is. I bet some of the times he hasn't called when he said he was going to were when he was out banging some girl. I have no idea why a guy that likes and has sex with girls like Fiona has any interest in me. Don't get me wrong, I think I am a good catch--but not the same kind of "good catch" as Fiona... The completely opposite type of catch. My interest in Nick is purely fun and exploring a more dangerous side of life than I am used to. I have NEVER done this. NEVER NEVER NEVER even wanted to. Do you think I can walk the tight rope line of not getting feelings but having a blast with someone who is adventurous enough to take 3 weeks off and spend it with someone half way around the world? I am just out of a shitty shitty relationship and I have that scar to protect me and remind me of what I DO NOT WANT TO END UP FEELING LIKE AT ANY COST. I am almost thinking about printing this out and putting it in my pocket so I don't forget even when he seems innocent... Should I call him on it right away and tell him don't even try to hide it, just be open and that way I can avoid being tempted to have feelings? Or should I just keep it to myself? I guess my only interest in this guy is to try something different that I am used to... This is the possibly craziest and yet most sensible thing I have ever done... Sensible in the way that I am enjoying something for myself and I know that the only person that can let myself get hurt is me... I am going to try to take the fun out of this and get what I want and just leave the rest behind... And yet I can't help but to feel like I am feeding myself to the sharks.