what do you do when you find you are dreaming of something?

Do you suppress it? Do you give it notice? Do you give it space and explore it? Do you allow it to come in to your conscious thoughts? If not, what are you concerned letting it in will do? I hope you allow yourself to dream. I think that is the #1 stunted growth area of the mind. We artificially curtail our desires... but for what? We are worried they may not be momentarily fulfilled? We are worried it may take years? Cause pain? Cause doubt and indecision? My friend, I believe this is the only way to a true and authentic existence. Let's not bury our dreams. but allow them to flower and constrict our ordinary existences into discomfort and eventually, beauty.

:)

My goal in life is to live it to the fullest and have no regrets (like everyone, right?). I think about this day in and day out and always feel like I am falling short somehow of some magnificent, adventurous life that I am supposed to live, still looking for the answer. I literally quit doing some of my structured activities so I have more time available to journal on this. I feel like I am falling short AND I am continuously chasing it and know I will get there. That is a damn good feeling to have. It takes time (not to mention blood, sweat, and tears) to understand what the heck it means to live a life of meaning and adventure. If everyone had the answer to what they could do to start living the life of their dreams... well... then... we'd all be living the life of our dreams. I could just buy my plane ticket to Asia right now and be off. Why don't I? (Hmmm... I went on to start answering that question and realized my answer was true but also a version of an excuse... the power of self-reflection is magnificent).

Well... rereading the above paragraph... I didn't even catch it myself until I thought about it. This is just it. I said "If everyone had the answer to what they could do to start living the life of their dreams." Did anyone catch anything about this phrase that didn't sit well? There is no answer to this question. It is the wrong question. All you have to "do" is just be. The real question is "what can you be to live the life of your dreams." And I don't mean accomplishments. I don't mean "be" a doctor or "be" a mother. That is the "do" creeping in on you again. I mean qualities. Be loving. Be forgiving. Be compassionate. Be tenacious. Be calm (it is a choice people!). You don't need money. You don't need a boyfriend. You don't need IQ. You don't need another job. You don't need a fancier car. You don't have to wait!

I still marvel at this. Have you ever heard of someone rejoicing about turning 30? There is a fucking reason for it!!! Being confused sucks. It causes hurt and pain and you expend a tremendous amount of energy, right? That is how I spent the last 3 years. I still wonder how in the hell I existed on this planet for 28 years with a fair amount of friends and socializing and I have NEVER heard anyone say anything about how difficult your 20's are! I cannot believe it! Now if that is because no one actually said it, or I just wasn't ready to truly hear it, I cannot tell you. The only thing anywhere close to this I heard was: marriages which begin after the mid twenties have a much better chance of lasting. I laugh now to think when I heard that I thought, "Okay. Good to know. I will wait to get married." The whole meat and meaning of the phrase was lost on ears not ready to feel and truly understand the full gravity of the statement. Marriages which start after your twenties have a much better chance at lasting BECAUSE once you are out in the world with all of the habits/behaviors/learnings formed in life to that point and you do everything "right" and realize ya still aren't happy or aren't getting what ya thought ya'd get by putting in the right "ingredients," you have to adjust. Just coming to this realization takes time. And space. And forgiveness. And love. And a boatload of self-awareness.

I had to a) realize I wasn't happy b) go through an extending period of time in confusion and anger (I was putting in a LOT of energy doing the "right" things!!! damnit!) c) somehow remind myself I am still responsible for the whole mess (taking responsibility for myself when I worked my ass off to get where I was and was still somehow miserable in a way was HARD and I really just wanted to give up an awful lot) d) do something about it (and I had no clue for years what to do about it. confusion is an extremely difficult feeling to live with for years). Don't get me wrong. I had friends and wonderful relationships and laughed and stayed in good physical shape this whole time. I looked happy. I thought I was happy. I was completely disjointed and knew this on some subconcious level.

I had a lot of things happen all at once. A lot of difficult and painful things. I worked my ass off at a job and felt I was just doing "okay." This is infuriating to someone who has yet to really fail at something. The love of my life up to that point left me so painfully slowly over a year. I moved to a new city and was trying to make friends when I was completely lost in life. Looking back I could not be more thankful for having it all happen at once. Had it happened bit by bit I might have not realized I was attaching my happiness to things outside of me and was completely unfamiliar with my own values (I knew very well the values of those who socialized me!!). I might not realized I needed a mental overhaul. There was nothing strong enough short of a near death experience that could have gotten my attention and focused it enough to really do something about it--especially when I was determined to focus it elsewhere and to achieve, achieve, achieve (what I thought would lead to happiness). I could have gone on for decades disjointed and kinda (fake) happy. What a waste of my life. That ex boyfriend will never truly know how I am thankful every day for that horribly sad and broken heart. No career fair or mentor could have ever taught me the value in those days crying in the bathroom being so pissed off and lost in my career. In fact there is nothing I am more thankful for. They literally saved my life. It was the only alarm clock loud enough to wake me up from that sleep and let me out of this tiny little box I had been living in. Those experiences forced me to sit squarely in the face of the question: what does it all mean & why am I so unhappy despite all the work I doing? I had my mid-life crisis at 24-27.

I woke up this morning. Yes I have a hangover. The only reason I mention that is because I have never been in such a damn good mood despite a hangover! I have had one of these mental shifts that I like to call "clicks." When something is right, it just clicks. I am pretty damn happy right now. It isn't about my job. It isn't about what people I am lucky to call my friends or my family. It isn't about my money in my bank account. It isn't about the jeans I bought yesterday. None of that. I still get extremely frustrated with my job. I can see my veins in my leg through my skin because I am so pasty white. Sometimes I am an asshole to people and am not proud of myself. All of this, lots more, and only will have more as life goes on, AND I still love myself and can laugh. For me, that is why 28 is awesome.

I had FUN last night. I woke up with mustard on my jeans from the Seattle hotdog I ate last night. I spent it with these amazing new friends that I have and we went out dancing. Nothing magical, we just met for drinks at their house. My friend Dave showed me his new tattoo. His girlfriend Maggie made us quesadillas and margaritas dressed in the craziest pair of black, shiny, buckly, crazy platform tall spike-heeled boots you can imagine. On top of that she had on black shiny, skin tight pants. Because she wanted to. She said it was "shiny pants day." And there you have it folks. Today is whatever kind of a day you want it to be.

lesson: if you aren't happy and feeling fulfilled examine your values (or what you thought they were) and figure out how you might live more truly to them or maybe what values are being violated where you don't realize it. you are the way you are and you cannot change your values (and why would you want to? imitation is suicide!). you can only become familiar with them and live more truly to them. don't blame yourself or excuse anything away. life is short and you deserve to be happy. end of story.

First Road Race Tomorrow

Hi people!! So tomorrow morning is my first road race. This whole process of becoming a road racer is the LONGEST and most uncertain path I have taken in life besides life itself. I didn't no ANYTHING about road racing when I started... I listen to girls on the team talking about famous bike racers I have never heard of and watching them race... Do you race as a team? Do you race alone? Why do you fight for someone else on your team to win? Why does a person decide they want to become a domestique (a person on a team who expends a lot of energy riding so another may conserve energy until the end of the race and ultimately end up taking a higher place in the race than the domestique... they are on the same team)? Will I do terrible? Is this commitment going to be a regret timewise or other (I am riding around ten hours a week currently)?? I have no idea what I am doing and no clue how things will pan out... Do I have what it takes? I will have to wait months to figure this out as I have no clue what it takes...

I have spent the past few months (since October) riding on weekend mornings with Team Group Health (www.soundvelocycling.com) and riding alone for training a couple times a week. TGH has been voted several times as the top women's cycling organization in the nation. For very good reason. Since I have joined, these talented women have done nothing but be incredibly selfless and fabulous mentors in teaching 20 of the new "cat 4's" (category 4: there are 4 categories of amateur racers for women, category 4 being beginner, category 1 being directly under pro) how to ride and how to race. It has opened a whole new world of cycling I didn't realize existed and shown me the appeal in what has otherwise previously been some strange sport where people wear really tight clothes and ride really close together... I had been completely happy tooling around on the roads of Seattle with friends (all male I must add :P) until now! Occasionally I would do organized rides with Cascade (www.cascade.org) and such.

We have done hill climbing clinics, sprinting clinics, bike handling clinics, race prep clinics, and lots of riding around Seattle. All to prepare for what is coming tomorrow morning! We even rented a closed race track so that we may be coached by the experienced riders on riding in a pack. (In road racing, there is what is called a "pack." Race strategies involve conserving energy and riding in the draft of other riders-they are blocking the wind that would otherwise slow you down.) We worked on attacking (passing), counter-attacks, and being comfortable with bikes moving at 20 mph inches from all sides of you. All that means is if something happens, if someone swerves, or bumps you, you cannot react by hitting your brakes... Which is what happened at the second clinic. Needless to say I was involved in a 5 bike pile-up at about 18 mph because a bike in front of me clipped another bikes rear wheel. We all went down so fast I didn't have time to be scared. Now I can say I am a real rider... With real biker scars...

One thing I have learned about the cycling world is that it is some type of strange bond. It is maybe similar to the bond that strangers who are in the same sorority or fraternity have only 100 times stronger. A woman on my team GAVE me her carbon fiber handlebars when mine were damaged in the crash. My boss at work is a cyclist and he told me anytime I get stuck anywhere due to some type of mechanical failure to give him a call and he would come get me. Another coworker offered the same. My bike has sparked all kinds of conversations with other cyclists which felt like we have known eachother the first time we have spoken. I still don't quite understand this, but cycling brings out some type of inner caring amongst complete strangers and it is really a pretty cool thing to experience.

So yesterday my coworker who is a racer for about 5 years asked me if I was nervous about my first race. He said after five years he still gets nervous at every single race. I said no, I hadn't really thought about it. Then he said I should be nervous :) I said I have no idea what to expect. That is when he invited me over to his desk and pulled up the course on google maps. It is two, 12-mile loops around Mason Lake in Washington, west of Seattle. He pointed out the ~3% grade hile about 5 miles in. I should try to stay with the pack up that hill (I am heavier than the typical rider so this requires more power on my side). The other side of the hill is a wide-open decent where you can reach a speed of 40 mph on your bike so long as it isn't too crowded (I can descend like a bat out of hell for the same reason climbing is difficult, so I am hoping to blow past riders here). That is the first half of the loop. The second half is narrow and twisty and rolling hills. From what he says there is likely no room for passing there--hopefully I will have used my advantage on the descent to get a good place in line here and remain there and bust through the second hill climb around to the end of the race... Those are my hopes. From riding with other Cat 4's on my team who are racing tomorrow and looking to upgrade, (to a higher level because they are winning the cat 4 races) I know I will feel like vomiting at the end of the race. Which is great and fine by me, but it means this is not going to be easy!! But that is the fun of it.

All night last night was spent trying to take my fenders off and replace brake pads that had a stripped screw holding them in (I bought bullet-proof fenders as I thought I wouldn't need to take them off because I never expected to race), and adjusting my front derailleurs so the chain wouldn't hop off the chain ring during the race (I have been kind of lazy and have let this go for awhile... I have been shifting VERY carefully while riding and watching the chain as it shifted to the top chain ring... not a safe thing to do in a race). In trying to do all this I disassembled my brakes which had a spring and basically exploded at the removal of the wrong fastener. Thank goodness I live 3 min from a bike shop. Nearly 3 hours and two trips to the bike shop later (where both the mechanics and I were laughing at my valiant and failed efforts to remove my own fenders) I called it quits and went to bed with everything installed/fixed and relatively satisfied with my efforts. Since I woke up this morning I have been cleaning my bike, cleaning the chain, the wheels, etc. All I have left to do is pack my bags with my racing clothes and a change of clothes and some food for tomorrow.

I will let you know how it turns out! Wish me luck!

Bike racing

I am trying something new and scary. I know a coworker and have met a few people in the past who ride and race for a road biking team. Lately I have lots of extra energy and no good outlet besides thinking too much about things that shouldn't be overanalyzed (anyone that knows me understands this one). For the past two years, my coworker, Jay, has suggested that I try it out. It is a larger time commitment than anything else I can find and so I have not been ready to commit. However, lately, it seems like the right thing to be doing for many reasons. I am not eager to tell those besides my close friends because if it doesn't work out I will feel bad. BUT I am interested in sharing my thoughts and experiences as a someone trying something completely new and different. So far, attended a few "meet the team" rides. Anyone interested is invited to go on a ride of leisurely pace and chat with the team. One team is all female and stuck out above the rest for cohesion and support for new racers. I immediately loved their attitude. I went to their team meeting and it was about 15 women crowded around the living room of one of the more senior members of the team. I loved being around all women for once. We all chatted a bit and introduced ourselves. Discussed team requirements, etc. I went home still not sure if I was ready for the commitment and the potential failure. Then come the last day to fill out the form to sign up I took the leap.

Two weeks have gone by. We had our annual mandatory team meeting. To pay our dues for the cycling organizations which require you to be a member to race, to try on this years clothing and to order the team "kit" (the name for the jersey and shorts/gear that you have to buy to be part of the team, you wear it riding and racing, it has the names of the sponsors on it). We stood around a room watching a slide show of last years races on flat screen tv before the meeting started. These women are AMAZING! They are so confident and strong and just beautiful. I immediately love just to be around them. I still don't really understand the difference in a bond between people who train together and that of just "casual" friends. I find the friendships with some type of more extreme hobby to be the most fulfilling. I really loved spending time with my climbing team for instance two years ago... they are all people I will always feel close to. Anyway, I am kind of quiet and just observant of all that is going on around me. I tried on all the necessary clothing items and dropped a painful wad of cash on leg warmers, knee warmers, arm warmers, gloves, a vest, two sets of shorts and jerseys and 8 pairs of wool cycling socks... Ouch. But if I am going to be riding 6-10 hours a week, 4 to 5 days a week it will be money well spent.

Then the team rides started. The first ride I was driving in my car to meet them near the south end of Lake Washington. It was raining harder than I have ever seen it rain in Seattle. Cars were going 35 mph on I5. There was standing water 6 inches deep in some places. I wondered how in the HECK we were going to ride. Funny enough the rain cleared just before we went to ride. And stayed clear the whole time. That happens quite a bit. And I still feel privileged each time to be able to enjoy the break in the rain.

You may assume bike racing teams always ride fast on team rides. You may find this interesting, as did I at first... they are bike RACING teams, right? Well the beginning of training actually goes by riding slowly!! I have learned a little bit about cycling training, but there are people that make entire careers out of it. So I have tons more to learn. The first part of training is called "base." Our "base" miles are rides that we do lots of, and they are not too long--around 30 miles or so. Not too hilly. You build endurance this way. Later comes intervals and more high intensity stuff. So we ride around Seattle in either single or double pacelines. This is where the person up front does more work for awhile then "peels off" (moves to the side and slows down to allow the line to pass) and drops to the back. This rotation goes on for the whole ride. Taking turns doing the work. My favorite is the double pacelines so far. This is just because you can sit back and gab while you go quite fast without all of the effort normally required to do so, thanks to the draft. I just LOVE riding in a giant group of 100% women. I don't have a good reason besides I just get a crazy feeling of girl power ;)

So anyways, on 1 of the 3 team rides thus far, we were soaked to the bone. It really wasn't all that bad. But I am just loving riding with my team so far. They are the coolest bunch of women. One 3-time Ironman competitor who coaches running for marathons/half marathons for a living, a pilates instructor, and the list goes on. They rock! I feel so happy just riding along with them. So far I am keeping up decently well (hills are the only trouble spots for me). The "no-drop" rides end in mid-December. Which means if you can't keep up with the pace of the team, you are on your own to train... Not my idea of fun. I am nervous. I will just keep up my weekly riding and hopefully drop a few pounds... We'll see. :)

nice day

I am finally in bed and I am whooped! I worked and then I had a riding lesson and then worked out at the gym a little. It is going to be my last riding lesson for several months because I need to start saving a little money incase something happens to me (laid off, car problems, etc). It SUCKS to quit riding but I have been stressing over money and sometimes the right thing isn't the easiest thing (actually it seems like lately that is always the case! :\ ). I had an awesome ride tonight--not on my favorite horse, but an awesome ride. I am finally just about where I was when I stopped a few years ago. Tonight I rode the mare that always tries to bite me when she thinks I am not looking! hahah :) She once bit me on the butt when I was bending over picking out her feet. She loves me :) she just likes to pretend she doesn't. She is so fun to jump cause she will jump anything and higher and wider jumps (oxers) that other horses might stop at so the worry and danger factor is, for the most part, taken out of the equation. She is an incredible bi*** until she gets to jump! I felt like I was on a bronco for the first part of the lesson, not kidding. So now I am wiped and going to bed. Anybody that has a decent horse that needs to be worked a little, give me a call. I will do it gladly for free :)

My Thoughts...

Hi again. I just finished eating dinner and I am waiting for it to digest before I head of to the gym. Nick called today--around 5 p.m. my time/2 a.m. his time. He was drunk from going out somewhere and we had a good conversation, he was being really honest. I could feel myself feeling closer to him. Something that I wanted to avoid because I know he is not a "safe" guy. I am attracted to him like a bear to honey. Something about his way of talking attracts me. I can feel it pulling me in and I stop caring that I am starting to care :( The conversation goes on and I ask him if he deleted something off his wall. He did, he said his ex is trying to stir up trouble. His ex who is a model for Giorgio Armani. Okay folks. If I didn't feel insecure before with Mr. Muscles Cardoza, I DO NOW!! holy crap. :\ But I am trying to not feel insecure and I am DETERMINED to feel good about myself, so I am tempted to force myself to continue. I want to practice being comfortable in my own skin. I know I am farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr below anything close to a model. My first instinct was to exchange my potential new bikini out for a potential new full length moo moo at first when I heard this. I was really tempted to ask him "What the heck do you see in me, then?!" BUT, I stopped myself. That is a bad way to talk to yourself. I know many girls would be guilty of the same thing. All the working out in the world and I would still be laughable compared to Fiona. I think it is good for me to feel a little insecure and then push myself to be myself and to believe I can be loved for who I am. It is okay if I am not half as pretty as his ex, because I have many other good qualities. This whole Nick thing is a complete experiment in how comfortable I can be with myself in the face of a man who offers me nothing in the way of help--no securities, he openly has sex with way more girls than even my imagination can keep up with. He dates girls I will never hope to look like. He is a complete womanizer. I am really trying to force myself to not run straight for the guy who claims he only likes me. Because that would be a lie. It would be unrealistic. And there is no hope in a man like that in a different way there is no hope in a long term relationship with a man like Nick. And I believe I have learned that if I can enjoy MYSELF and be comfortable with myself around someone like Nick, it will be much easier for me to really to relax and enjoy the next guy that is actually boyfriend material. So this is like self-esteem boot camp. He is going to tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am. I know that he may mean it, but in no way am I different than the other girls. He is going to look at me with his gorgeous eyes. I am going to remember that he has looked at 150 other girls that way, and in no way will I derive a sense of worth for myself out of it because that will just be preposterous (like I did when I dated the last guy). And yet I will enjoy him and the time I spend with him because he is a good person. He is caring and open and free spirited more than anyone I have ever known. He is just different than me. I am going to try to learn from him. He really is a very beautiful person. He is childlike in his enthusiasm and love for others. He gives warm compliments openly. He just also really happens to enjoy lots of sex. I am going to try to learn how to let go a little without letting go my control of my respect for myself. I feel like I am way too structured and way too guarded. You can't fence other people out (from hurting you), you can only fence yourself in. So I want to try to learn how to let others in and enjoy myself and them. I want a sense of self worth that I hold tightly for myself without having to lock others out in order to protect it. Hopefully that makes sense to someone because I think a lot of people try to do this. I believe that is the definition of jaded. I do not want to be jaded. I want to be loving and lovable and be young at heart.

initial tendency

Oh man. I kind of feel like a jerk. I don't know why my initial tendency is to overreact like I did. There is nothing wrong with Nick and the way he is. Some people are just a little more free than others with their sexuality. It doesn't mean he is plotting against me or trying to deliberately hurt me. I don't know why I assume that. Nick is a very nice guy and like a lot of guys he enjoys sex. There is nothing wrong with that. Is there anything wrong with the fact he is very flirtatious with a lot of girls? It actually seems genuine--almost like he really things so and so is gorgeous and he knows that she would enjoy it if he told her. He is fliratious in a way that American guys cannot be. Europeans seem a bit more open with their sexuality, am I wrong? I always overreact at first and then level out. I am just that way and don't know why really...