My Thoughts...

Hi again. I just finished eating dinner and I am waiting for it to digest before I head of to the gym. Nick called today--around 5 p.m. my time/2 a.m. his time. He was drunk from going out somewhere and we had a good conversation, he was being really honest. I could feel myself feeling closer to him. Something that I wanted to avoid because I know he is not a "safe" guy. I am attracted to him like a bear to honey. Something about his way of talking attracts me. I can feel it pulling me in and I stop caring that I am starting to care :( The conversation goes on and I ask him if he deleted something off his wall. He did, he said his ex is trying to stir up trouble. His ex who is a model for Giorgio Armani. Okay folks. If I didn't feel insecure before with Mr. Muscles Cardoza, I DO NOW!! holy crap. :\ But I am trying to not feel insecure and I am DETERMINED to feel good about myself, so I am tempted to force myself to continue. I want to practice being comfortable in my own skin. I know I am farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr below anything close to a model. My first instinct was to exchange my potential new bikini out for a potential new full length moo moo at first when I heard this. I was really tempted to ask him "What the heck do you see in me, then?!" BUT, I stopped myself. That is a bad way to talk to yourself. I know many girls would be guilty of the same thing. All the working out in the world and I would still be laughable compared to Fiona. I think it is good for me to feel a little insecure and then push myself to be myself and to believe I can be loved for who I am. It is okay if I am not half as pretty as his ex, because I have many other good qualities. This whole Nick thing is a complete experiment in how comfortable I can be with myself in the face of a man who offers me nothing in the way of help--no securities, he openly has sex with way more girls than even my imagination can keep up with. He dates girls I will never hope to look like. He is a complete womanizer. I am really trying to force myself to not run straight for the guy who claims he only likes me. Because that would be a lie. It would be unrealistic. And there is no hope in a man like that in a different way there is no hope in a long term relationship with a man like Nick. And I believe I have learned that if I can enjoy MYSELF and be comfortable with myself around someone like Nick, it will be much easier for me to really to relax and enjoy the next guy that is actually boyfriend material. So this is like self-esteem boot camp. He is going to tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am. I know that he may mean it, but in no way am I different than the other girls. He is going to look at me with his gorgeous eyes. I am going to remember that he has looked at 150 other girls that way, and in no way will I derive a sense of worth for myself out of it because that will just be preposterous (like I did when I dated the last guy). And yet I will enjoy him and the time I spend with him because he is a good person. He is caring and open and free spirited more than anyone I have ever known. He is just different than me. I am going to try to learn from him. He really is a very beautiful person. He is childlike in his enthusiasm and love for others. He gives warm compliments openly. He just also really happens to enjoy lots of sex. I am going to try to learn how to let go a little without letting go my control of my respect for myself. I feel like I am way too structured and way too guarded. You can't fence other people out (from hurting you), you can only fence yourself in. So I want to try to learn how to let others in and enjoy myself and them. I want a sense of self worth that I hold tightly for myself without having to lock others out in order to protect it. Hopefully that makes sense to someone because I think a lot of people try to do this. I believe that is the definition of jaded. I do not want to be jaded. I want to be loving and lovable and be young at heart.